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Train Them
Up...
Practical and Godly Discipline for the Special Needs Child
by Jennifer Raffety, SNM (special needs
mother)
Copyright, 2001
Child discipline and training is a complex issue and when the child in
question has learning difficulties/special needs, that issue becomes
much more intricate. It is often difficult to distinguish between
immaturity and resistance, between innocence and defiance, between
inability to reason
and indifference.
I can only speak from my experience as a mother with a special needs
child. I use principles for the big picture and practical
applications for the day to day necessities. I find them to
complement one another and give my perspective a
fullness not attainable with either one alone.
PRINCIPLE: God
knows who you are and loves you more than anyone else. He is always near
to hear and help you. He sees all you do.
PRACTICAL APPLICATION:
Keep your child in sight and accountable at all times. This eventually
teaches self-discipline. In the here and now, it is teaching your child
that God is watching every thing you do! When you allow the child
times when he is not accountable, you lead him to believe that there
are times when he does not have
to be responsible for his plans, actions, deeds, thoughts, etc. and this
message later translates into "God does not always hold me
accountable."
When you are fixing a meal, have him with you. Take him to the laundry
area with you. Have him stand right by you as you fold clean towels.
Let his sibling have free time IF APPROPRIATE and if that sibling is
obedient during free time.
Give him a job that you KNOW he can do (get out the spoons, bring me a
stick of butter, empty the trash, sort the laundry, pick up yesterday's
newspaper, give the dog new water, whatever you know he can do without
eagle-eye watching).
Whenever he crosses the line (disobedience), give the consequence and go
on.
Plan on the meal being a little later or the laundry folding taking 3X as
long or the laundry washing to be somewhat delayed for a while, maybe a
few days or a few weeks. IT WILL BE TIME WELL SACRIFICED! Allow one or two
free time slots for the first little while and supervise them carefully.
The MOMENT he crosses
over any lines you have drawn (loudness, attitude, actions, etc.), he
looses his free time. Cheerfully move on to the next thing (which you have
planned ahead of time). When he has shown that you can trust him with free
time, allow a little more.
PRINCIPLE: All
actions have a consequence, whether good or bad.
When issuing the child a negative consequence, let it (as closely as
possible) match the offense. Also see that you reward good actions on a
regular basis.
Be cheerful in issuing any consequence. Do not get emotionally involved
with any misconduct. Do not wait until you are angry with his choice or
"have had it"; do it the minute you recognize the first offense.
PRACTICAL APPLICATION:
Some rules could be:
Treat others kindly.
If you used it, put it away.
No arguing with anyone.
No teasing.
No sassing or disrespect.
Some consequences (with possible offenses) could be:
- Move bricks; if you don't have the proverbial wood pile but have a pile
of bricks, let one "set" of bricks be moved from point A to
point B (and mark those points with a short board placed on the ground;
make the number in the set appropriate to the child's age and ability)
(for bad attitude)
- Take out the compost (stinky!) (stinky attitude, messes made to be
spiteful, etc.)
- Swats (usually only for direct defiance, such as "NO" in your
face when you delegate a job)
- Mouth washing (for foul language or sticking out tongue)
- Sit ups OR Leg Lifts OR Push-ups (easy or hard depending on the offense
and child)
- Sit in a chair for 5 minutes or until cheerful (for whining,
uncheerfulness, uncooperative attitude)
- Shovel snow/dirt/rocks or rake leaves (for grumpiness, slowness or
unwillingness to work or do as requested)
- Take the laundry downstairs one piece at a time - no basket is allowed
(for one who has neglected his job of taking the dirty laundry downstairs
on time)
- Eat 5 or 10 minutes after the others have started (complaining about the
meal or complaining about how "slow" the meal is in coming)
- Silence for 5 minutes (you have to build up to this one-) (for excess
chatter, an unkind tone, gripping, mocking tone, etc.)
- No dessert (we reserve this for more serious things such as sneaking
food OR wasting food)
- Lose a privilege (could be choosing his own clothes, personal reading
time, serving himself at the table, etc.) (for neglecting responsibility)
- Serve another family member for 5-15 minutes (must do all reasonable
requests such as take off my shoes and socks, rub my feet, bring me a
glass of water, read me a story, push me in the swing, pull me in the
wagon, etc.) (for being rude or unkind to another family member or causing
them discomfort in some
way)
Keep rules simple and easy to remember. "Treat others kindly"
covers a whole rift of sins, such as hair pulling, teasing a pet, not
playing fairly, etc. Be creative with the consequences. If he crayoned the
wall, make him scrub it off or take away his crayoning privileges or let
him paint the wall with a tiny,
tiny paintbrush. If he mistreats the dog, let him have his lunch like a
dog, on the floor, no utensils, on hands and knees with the dog free to
investigate! We keep our rules and consequences written down and I review
them regularly!
Legalistic children will try to find all the loop holes; don't let that
happen.
Children test occasionally just to see what has changed or what they can
get away with today.
Try to verbally affirm each good choice your child makes when it
happens. No need to display a football cheer each time, but be sincere and
specific.
"Oh, Helen, what a kind thing to do for Susie. I'm sure she enjoyed
sharing your doll very much. Thank you for being so thoughtful." or
"Brian, I saw your patience with Benjamin just now. That takes a lot
of maturity. I'm glad you did that." or "Mary, you tried so hard
to get all your 4 times table memorized this week. That is a difficult job
and you are being so diligent. You'll make it with that kind of
attitude." You are looking beyond the outward
display to the inner choices and virtues being exercised. These virtues
need to be mentioned and praised as well. We find that reviewing the day
just before or after devotions or at bedtime is a good time to verbally
reward our children again for their good choices and actions through out
the day. (Don't bring
up the broken bathroom window, the soup mess in the kitchen or any of that
stuff.)
These verbal comments stay with your children and will replay an amazing
amount of times in their minds. It will produce good in them.
PRINCIPLE: Bring
closure to mistakes and conflicts with repentance and forgiveness, both
within the family and with God. This closure will lessen the child's
tendency to rehash his "badness" or "dumbness".
PRACTICAL APPLICATION:
When a child must receive a negative consequence, as soon as that is
finished, let him tell you he is sorry and ask for your forgiveness.
FORGIVE HIM and say so. Let him talk to God about it. Give him the words
needed if appropriate.
"Joseph, let's talk with God about this. Pray with me. Repeat what I
say.
'Dear God, I'm sorry I hit Marvin over the head with a Tonka truck. Will
you forgive me. Thank you. In Jesus' precious name, Amen.' " Then
DON'T bring it up again! You'll want your spouse to know, but, otherwise,
don't bring it up because it has been forgiven, hence forgotten. If
another person is involved (in this case, Marvin), have the child
apologize to him as well. Don't allow siblings to bring up already
forgiven offenses either.
PRINCIPLE:
Consistency produces uniform results
PRACTICAL APPLICATION:
Consistency means that he gets the same consequence for "x"
violation every time. If he gets push ups for it today and a swat for it
tomorrow and sitting in a corner the next day, where is the consistency.
Consistency will remove the "excitement" of "What kind of
reaction will I get if I do ____?" It will make it downright boring
for the child and that in itself works as a negative
consequence.
Consistency also means giving the negative consequence as quickly as
possible. As soon as you realize there is a violation, follow through with
the negative consequence. Expect immediate obedience; delayed
obedience is disobedience.
If he messes around with a consequence, make him repeat that one AND add
another one for the messing around. He needs to experience YOUR
CONSISTENCY, whether that will be painful or not is HIS choice.
I often think about
how God deals with me. When I chose something foolish, I pay for it. God
isn't happy with my choice or the pain, but He loves me too much to let me
grow up into a (Christian) weed. You're trying to help your child grow
into a prized, stunning fruitful plant and he'll need some pruning.
PRINCIPLE: Loving correction is done with cheerfulness, not anger.
PRACTICAL APPLICATION:
Give the appropriate consequence (which you have pre-planned) and be about
the day, cheerfully. Part of being cheerful is having it all planned so
you don't have to decide in the heat of the moment. Yes, his antics can
make you angry, but when YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF THE SITUATION (not
necessarily his choices), you can remain cheerful. Some kids want to see
Mom or Dad lose it; who knows what funny thing they'll do next!!!!
PRINCIPLE: Work is good for man and wholesome for body and soul.
PRACTICAL APPLICATION:
Teach the child to work. Any child can learn to work. The old saying
"Idleness is the devil's workshop" has much truth in it and
idleness will open the door for your child to cause trouble, get in
trouble or be trouble.
It doesn't have to be so. In other words, keep your child busy! Not with
busy work, but fill his day to fit YOUR plans/agenda/etc. Plan your day,
loosely at first, using a schedule that will best suit you. To begin with
you may only schedule meals and a few work periods for yourself, allowing
all the time you need to supervise your child. Gradually add in what your
situation will allow,
while maintaining the same level of supervision required.
In brief, here is what you need to do:
- Decide your rules; remember to keep them simple.
- Decide the consequences; remember you can refine or change them as
you go along if you find some that don't work but don't do much changing!
Plan well what the consequences will be to avoid changes as much as
possible.
- Do as much as possible before his feet hit the floor in the morning
(personal needs, shower, devotions, breakfast begun/prepared, some
laundry, general pickup, computer time, menu plan for the day, etc.). You
need to be available the minute he is up and running, to oversee, correct,
guide, encourage and train.
- Plan to let some things slide until the discipline is under control;
these things might be deep cleaning, intense schooling or therapy, extra
church events, extended telephone conversations, lengthy computer times.
Plan to spend a few weeks at home when you first start. It is VERY
difficult to correctly (and calmly) discipline if you are anywhere else,
including grandma and
grandpa's house. This will mean no extra curricular activities such as
Vacation Church School, Little League, swim team, etc. He will be blessed
more if he is under control than any of these other things can provide.
Learn to say
"No".
- Get plenty of
good rest each night; you'll need it and it will repay you beautifully. It
is better to go to bed early and get up early than to stay up late and
straggle out of bed a bare 4 1/2 minutes before he does!
- Keep copies of your decided upon rules and consequences in likely spots
(family room, dining room table, kitchen, etc.); when a violation occurs,
you can calmly scan the list, issue the negative consequence and be about
your business, cheerfully.
- If you'll be using a paddle or switch, get a goodly supply. There is
nothing more embarrassing than a traveling paddle that is lost and cannot
be found when needed!
- Remember you will be in training yourself as you make these changes and
you'll need God's encouragement just as you are giving your children
encouragement. Take time for prayer, often.
- Expect your child to have the energy of a dozen children when you first
start making changes. Let the discipline training be FIRST priority until
it is under control. Everything else you do after that (including therapy)
will be smoother, more productive, easier, more enjoyable!
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